he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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