woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
