I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
