my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
