hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize
