Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
