I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Randomize
