It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize
