Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
