walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
