She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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