I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
