Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
