if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Randomize
