i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
i think my cat just said my name.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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