My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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