I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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