We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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