He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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