I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Blood and glitter go together right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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