you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
