i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
