I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
