Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
