my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
