I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
