i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
