Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Even my vagina gasped.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
