there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
