I just saw a hot homeless man
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
