considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
