I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
