he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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