im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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