I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
