we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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