quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
