I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
