I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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