it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
