I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
