I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
