The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
