Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
