I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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