I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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