Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
