put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
