i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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