I wish they made helmets for livers.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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