i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
